Project 2010

I have decided that I would like to do something significant, interesting and fulfilling in 2010. Unfortunately I have left it rather late to start the decision making process, and I'm not very good at making decisions anyway, so I thought perhaps you guys could help me out. Come on, it'll be fun!

Some things I have ruled out:

• Pasta collage (lacks scope)
• Flower pressing (could go a bit flat)
• Learning to play the harp (probably wouldn't work with offcuts of 4 x 2 and some fishing line)
• Finding love (too ambitious)
• Carving a miniature chess set from mice teeth (hard to source supplies)

Some things I am genuinely considering:

• A visual (comic strip) journal
• Poetry
• A novel
• A year long letter writing campaign with no particular agenda other than to see where it takes me
• A year of doing kind things for people
• Volunteer work
• Changing my name and pretending I'm someone else in a futile attempt to escape the unbearable drudgery of being me
• The New Trash Radio almanac of rare vinyl recordings
• A series of short films
• Actually using the camera equipment I spent £3,500 on
• Finishing Creative Year

I think that covers the most plausible options. My problem is that I cannot make up my mind, sometimes relinquishing what previously felt like firm conviction at the drop of a hat. And I don't even own a hat. So, if anyone would care to offer an opinion I'd be very interested to hear it.

What the hell should I do next year? You decide!

[Applause. Fireworks. Everybody waving. Credits. Voiceover announcing that Songs of Praise is running five minutes later than scheduled.]

Emergency dialogue

I had to call an ambulance this morning for a work colleague. It was more of a precaution than anything else, and I should point out that he's going to be fine, but I'd never dialled 999 before. I naturally expected the operator to be helpful, because that is their job.

His first question was obvious. 'Can you give me the full address of where you are please?' Now, when you give someone an address over the phone in normal circumstances, you read it out one line at a time and wait for them to write it down or type it in. When they've done it, they give you an affirmative noise to indicate that you can continue. That's normal, right? I'm not just being stupid? So I told him the first line of the address and paused for his affirmation. It was a long pause. Bloody hell, I thought, they ought to employ faster typists for emergencies. Eventually he just repeated: 'Can you give me the full address of where you are please?' Ah. Perhaps he hadn't heard me. That would explain it. I gave him the first line again and paused once more. A couple of seconds later, he said: 'Can you give me the full address of where you are please?' At this point I just thought he was some kind of idiot so I said 'Would it help if I gave you the postcode?' Clearly not. His reply was: 'Can you give me the full address of where you are please?' So, as requested, I blurted it all out at once which seemed to work. But would it have killed him to engage in normal conversation? All he had to do was say 'yep' after I'd started telling him and I would have continued. Or he could have just told me there was no need to pause. Something to gently steer me into union with his needs. Am I not right about this? If it had been a more serious matter and I was stressed and agitated, I think I'd have found it very frustrating.

So, Mr Ambulance Man, I think you ought to realise that people only call you when they need help. It's not something they do everyday and they aren't necessarily familiar with your methods. It would therefore be quite useful if you could make it easy for them instead of reading through your list of questions like a fucking robot. Thanks.

Please don't label me

The British Humanist Association's 'Don't Label Me' campaign starts today. I have produced the artwork for a few billboards scattered around the country, including this one in central London (photo stolen from the Facebook group).

The eagle eyed among you may have spotted a passing resemblance to a certain bus advert. That's because I'm a mindless automaton and it's all I can do as I dribble into my lap and wildly wave my arms around. Anyhow, there's more information on the BHA's website if you're interested.

This year has seen my artwork adorn buses around the world, tube trains in London, T-shirts, car stickers, badges, giant animated screens, a book cover and now some 36m2 billboards - and yet the combined excitement that these events have generated within me is roughly equal to having a nice cup of tea. Which proves, to me at least, that if something has little creative value then it will always be unfulfilling, no matter how many people see it.

A reassuring motivator.

I think I know exactly what you mean

Badge-wearers gallery

Well I asked for photos of you wearing your New Trash Radio badges, and boy did you step up to the plate. These past few days have been a little hectic while sorting through all the photo submissions but finally I can bring you the best received so far. Sorry if yours didn't make the cut, but I think you'll agree that the following people are far more important than you are. Keep 'em coming though!

First up is crazy go-getter Konnie Huq, pictured here at an envelope opening last week. Konnie was the only person to cut round her badge neatly, which probably isn't surprising. 'I asked an adult to help me!' quipped the often sparingly clothed ex-Blue Peter presenter.

The next photo is actually a 'spot' by reader Dorothy Wigg, who noticed Radio 2 star Terry Wogan wearing the badge as she was queuing to get her book signed in the Wakefield branch of Waterstone's. "I finally got to the front after waiting for six minutes and the first thing I did was mention the badge. 'Trash Radio!' I shouted, but I think he misunderstood and snapped: 'Well I doubt you could do any f***ing better.' It was a bit upsetting actually."

Following his party's conference in Brighton the other week, Prime Minister Gordon Brown sent me this snap taken backstage. 'Until my remaining eye packs in, I can assure you that I will remain a faithful reader. I trust, in return, that the Labour Party can count on your vote in next year's general election.' Er, sorry Gordon. Thanks for the pic, though.

Pint sized painted lady, popstrel and paparazzi magnet Cheryl Cole found time in her busy schedule of applying makeup and smiling to send in this photo. 'Me an wor Ashley love New Trash Radio and think it's dead canny like, LOL!' she enthused in her email.

Finally, an unexpected submission from exalted Nobel Peace Prize winner and, to a lesser extent, leader of the free world Barack Obama. 'It would make my day to be featured in your gallery,' he wrote. 'At least I know I'm in the running for that one.' Well Mr President, I'm happy to oblige. Peace out.

The must-have accessory of the autumn

Following barriejohn's request, here is a special badge that you can all print out and pin to your clothing with pride. If you wouldn't mind emailing me a picture of yourself wearing it, I'll put them all in a special gallery assuming that there is room on the server and that Blogger's bandwidth can sustain the heavy demand.

Close encounters of the turd kind

A bloke wandered into my office last week asking for directions to Bentwaters air base. I’m normally rubbish with directions (as I’ve explained before),  cheerfully sending people miles in the wrong direction before realising my mistake, but this time I was pretty confident given that this particular air base is, to use a hackneyed and often inaccurate term, a stone’s throw from where I live. I was sitting at my computer so I helpfully pulled up a Google map for the rather rotund chap who had a northern accent and clearly wasn’t from this carrot crunching part of the world. Then he got a bit weird.

“Can you zoom in on the airstrip?” he asked. I was confused, but humoured him. “I’m looking for the ridges in the tarmac,” he continued, “where the UFO shot out its laser beams.” Oh. He was one of them.

My home village of Rendlesham is the location of Britain’s most ‘credible’ UFO sighting in 1980, and tourists still come to look at the site. It has, of course, been fairly conclusively debunked but the conspiracy theories persist and countless books have been written on the subject. 

“I really don’t think you’ll find anything,” I said.
“Oh, the ridges are definitely there. The UFO created them to stop any other aircraft from taking off and pursuing them. I’ve been researching the Rendlesham UFO for months now and the whole thing has clearly been a massive government cover-up.”
“I take it they forgot to cover up the ridges then.”
“You shouldn’t doubt it,” he continued, with a look in his eyes that seemed to pity my naïveté. He then enthused: “I’ve driven over 200 miles just to see the place.”
“Well, let’s hope you didn’t have a wasted journey,” I offered charitably. He was about to leave but then stopped at the door.
“Did you say you live near where it happened?”
“Mmm.”
“I don’t suppose you’ve ever noticed anything strange, have you? Like feeling dizzy or being unable to account for long periods of time?”

I was going to make a crack about drugs or alcohol but chickened out. He was bigger than me. “No.” He seemed to realise at this point that he was flogging a dead alien.
“Just do yourself a favour and read the books,” he grinned, before stepping outside and being zapped skywards by a blinding shaft of light.

But, you know, that could have been anything.